Identity

*I would like before hand to apologise for the use of the word "crazy" as it might be offensive to some. To be politically correct one would use in its place "mentally unstable"

But I have chosen to use crazy because that is the word my four year old uses to describe me when I am mentally unstable.

"Most girls" is a song that got me, my sister and friends talking. One friend of mine said it would be more appropriate if it was called "All girls" and I agree with her. "All girls are smart, strong and beautiful" instead of "Most girls" Would not that be more inclusive? And honest?

I have a four year old daughter. Me and my mother make sure there is no T.V in the house and her exposure to songs or films on the telephone are filtered.

She is living with my grandmother away in Rwanda. And I am missing her so much.

As for controlling what she watches is not that easy. Sometimes you allow her to look into other people's phones as I have done in the past. And you discover she is reiterating all the bad words. She heard and at night she talks in her sleep about it or screams.

My lesson is find a way to be very involved. I came to England to get treatment for my mental illness. Because in Rwanda the mental hospital there is probably the worst in the world. I suffer from what they call Bipolar Disorder. A fluctuating illness that goes from being crazy to being too sad.

So I am happy that for the first time in four years, my daughter is going to get a much needed break from her crazy mother.

When I have a relapse, which refers to a crisis. My little girl suffers the most. And that is why England is the best country to get treatment for mental health issues.

They respect that your child might be harmed or that you might harm yourself and remove you from her immediately which is good. And everyone else for that matter.

It has been like this since she was born. Her mother in and out of hospital or treated at home. And the psychological trauma that has had on her only God knows.

However I am hopeful that one day I will also get a break from being crazy.
And be the mother I was born to be to my lovely little girl.

My Pearl. That is her name in English.

But when I speak to her on the phone all she says is that she misses me and wonders where I have gone?

www.anysieniyonshuti.blogspot.com